Finishing Cabinets

Finishing cabinets is much like making love, if and when you do it correctly, so I think. There's a different from having sex and making love.... but look in the previous posts for that one.

So I have spent 30 hours finishing the cabinets for my current project. At first when they were installed, I was like, "what the f*&^ are these plywood boxes? I am cabinet snob because I once worked in a crappy job making no money, selling them.  It was an Al Bundy type of thing, no wonder why I drank all the time. But I digress, they were built beautifully yet were just wood boxes. Then my hands took over.

Feeling every inch of them. At first rough, I calmly sanded, smoothed, and felt some more. It was only until I would move my hand ever so slightly over the door and it was soft, inviting, would I move on. It may have taken a long time to do but in the end, and feeling for countless hours, I love my cabinets. It was only after many hours of feeling, rubbing, and caressing did I feel good enough to be finished. Is there more I can do, of course, but in the interest of time I had to move on. Later cabinets, it was fun!

New blog post with pictures of the finished project coming soon. Check back soon!

New Blog & Possible Move (Again)

Although it's lunch time, I just want to inform you that after being encouraged by a few web developers, I will be creating a new blog on Wordpress. If I like the format for my political blog, I may move this blog on over to Wordpress, on a page that was the original location of this blog. Just a heads up. TopherLloyd will still be a diary-esque blog but I may move away from it due to certain factors.

In other news:

I may be moving back to Colorado in the coming months. I think I have finally realized what I am good at and enjoy doing. Now it may be time to make good money doing it. I am actually really excited and am hoping this pulls through! I'm am gonna have "the talk" tomorrow. Definitely nervous.

Too many mosquitoes down here and I miss my purple mountains at 6 AM.

A Switch to Firefox and I CAN TYPE AGAIN!

Okay, so for weeks I could not type worth a crap. I am not talking about my crappy punctuation. Every character that I would type would not register or register really late. I ran multiple virus programs, ran the Microsoft virus diagnostics, and nothing? WTF, I thought to myself. Upon doing some research, which took me forever because I couldn't type, I stumbled upon the reason.

Microsoft Internet Explorer BLOOOOOWWWWWSSSSS fat, puss-covered, donkey dick. So much so that I actually labeled this blog so people surfing the web can find this. I even typed out Microsoft Internet Explorer out so the spiders will find this. I will mention Google so their spiders find this post more quickly too.

So I switched to Firefox and instantly could type again. Pages load almost instantly too! So to anyone reading this, and is using Internet Explorer, switch to Firefox. Do yourself the favor. You will be happy and that's a guarantee.

New Look

Okay, so I want to extend to YOU the readers, the chance to comment on the new look. Don't comment on facebook. You can comment below and leave your name or be anonymous. I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Running Scared: A Labor Day Sprint

***Disclaimer: Unlike every story I tell where the facts are grossly exaggerated, the events below are true. Enjoy this rare occurrence.***

I originally intended to write a blog depicting my account of reading all 1017 pages of H.R. 3200: America's Health Choices Act of 2009 and a summary of the details, followed by my thoughts and concerns. Fortunately for you the reader, that will not happen today.

So here I was, talking to my mom this morning. Much like my "foot in mouth syndrome" of saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times, my mom has the lovely habit of ALWAYS calling me at the WRONG moments. To bypass the inevitability of ruining my evening plans, I would cut her off at the pass and call her nice and early.

So here I am talking on the phone out front, tending to One Leaf (another blog for another day), and picking dead leaves off the bushes. Suddenly through my peripheal vision, I catch a glimpse of a menacing dog across the street. I turn to investigate and promptly see four others. Rib cages showing, patches of fur missing, and collarless. I stood up.

Crap, they see me. Do I stand still and try not to look any in the eye? Should I slowly back away while facing them, trying to show that I pose no threat? Should I make a B-line for the house 50 yds up the driveway?

I slowly backed away then boom! I began running, phone in hand. My mom says it sounded like the Blair Witch Project. Everything silent besides heavy breathing and barking in the background. In retrospect (I should know this growing up around alpha male dogs) you never run or make quick movements when any animals are in a pack. They automatically see you as weak and instinctively as prey. So they chased my skinny, chain-smoking, hairy, white butt all the way to my door. Good thing I ran track and have yet to lose a sprinting challenge, even with a cocky cigarette in my mouth, since high school.

So I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran.



A bonus video for your enjoyment


After 411-ing animal control and being holed up in the house for 30 mins, by then the dogs shat in my yard and moved on, the ordeal was over. Besides a major car accident in my freshman year of highschool, that was the scariest moment of my life. The hair on my neck was standing up. I had goosebumps all over my arms and one hell of an adrenaline rush. Not to mention a story that in time will become lions chasing me in the savannahs of Africa.

How a pack of wild dogs formed two miles from center city Houston beats the hell out of me. I just know savannahs are a bitch to run through ;-)

Please Take the Time

A close friend, a dear confidant of mine who has been an unbiased advice giver, has kept me from flying off the handle over little things (for those that know me, too bad she wasn't on my shoulder durring some of my moments of stupidity), and wise mother has started a blog. A year ago today, she was sexually assulted by an on duty officer (pleaded guilty) responding to her house. She has started a non-pofit company to help victims of sexual assult and abuse. Today she officially has started blog on the topic (unlike mine which is meaingless... maybe thats why I only have four readers).

I would like you, whoever you are, to take the time and visit her blog.... Victim Denied.

Thank you in advance to everyone and their consideration.

Big News Ahead

I have some big news ahead! In the coming weeks it will all be known.... but this is BIG :-)

Busy Fingers

Well, I have finally approached the typing surface and am finally writing a new blog. My need to blog in the past weeks left me and well, I have set up a routine in my new place, and somehow this is breaking my routine. I am a person who has set routines and stick to them but since moving to Houston, I feel the need to constantly be on my toes and switch things up. Instead of my Louisiana Mudd or Yankee coffee, I might grab some tea. Instead of being online all night I have begun actually watching tv and movies. I guess this is a way of breaking out of my routine.

So I am in my new apartment. I have been working long days swinging hammers and carrying boards that weigh as mugh as I do. Needless to say, I am packing a little muscle on this skinny frame of mine! I am happy working with my hands. I like to sweat, do man things, keeping my hands and fingers busy. When its over, I wash up and suddenly I am going out with my friends who are all law students or have been in oil for ten years. The greatest thing of it all, most of them have known me for 10 years and realize that office work drives me crazy. They don't judge me on it and actually push me to succeed while working with my hands.

So I am washed up, cooked myself a home cooked chicken, and plan to sit down and watch a movie. At one point in my life, when I had no roomates, I always felt the need to be around people. Now I have friends that call me up and I call them up, so I am okay with being alone. I don't feel the need to drink to pass the time either. Whew, I was a little worried when I moved into my own place about that.

So my fingers and hands have been kept busy all day. Before I become a lame braindead being on the couch watching a movie, I felt compelled to write. I'm not good at it and its not entertaining but people for some reason people come back to read more. I use run on sentences and too many commas, yet for whatever reasons they may be, thanks. Before I lay in my bed that I feel is excessive for me, being that despite my constant tossing and turning I use only a third of the bed at night, I will watch one of my favorite movies. The Lord of War. Sweeeeet.

What's the point of this blog you ask? I merely wanted busy fingers.

Loaded up on ibuprofen. My back is killing me! I miss the days that I'd get or give, back and head rubs. -sigh- Do you think couches know how to rub backs and heads?

New Construction, New Home

Wow, I do not even know where to begin with this blog. I finally have the internet up and running again but will barely use it becuase I am exhausted. Preparing to move, packing, driving 1700 miles, unpacking, and immediately starting several projects has left me with bags under my eyes. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for weeks!

I have met with general contractors, painters, carpet people, designed my new apartment, and it is just all beginning. The official start of my new apartment begins tomorrow morning with landscapers building proper drainage for the land around my apartment. I am really excited and in roughly six weeks, I will be moving into my new place, designed by and for me! Sweet, but my main goal is to use this opportunity so I can begin to save up and buy a house.

Working twelve hours a day non-stop, immediately after moving is very tiresome but I know is well worth it. Throw in welcome parties, fish fries, and welcome dinners to that and not only is my work schedule crazy, my social schedule is ramping up also. So far I am thoroughly enjoying Houston. It's a big city but there is so much opportunity that await transplants. Jobs are everywhere.

I could write more but frankly, my bed awaits me, and all I want to do is hug my body pillow and drift off to peace. And when I wake up? The official start to my apartment awaits me! Wish me luck :-)

My apartment

So as my temporary room is set up, I begin meetings and negotiations with the contractors for the landscaping and construction of my new apartment tomorrow. Although my original design was vetoed because it had a stand up shower (damn you people who only take baths) :-p , this was my second solution. I'm pretty damn excited. Few people actually get to design the apartment they will be living in.

Let me know your thoughts.

And for the mere sake of showing the design I like, here is mine:

Houston: Day Two

I sit here, sipping my morning coffee (sludge), relaxed and becoming increasingly motivated for the day ahead. Yesterday after departing Lafayette, Louisiana, before the morning rush, I had a rather peaceful drive to Houston compared to the previous 1300 miles. I arrived to my temporary place, opened my bedroom door and to my surprise, balloons, streamers, and a banner that said, "Welcome to Texas Christopher" adorned the room. My reservations on coming to Houston decreased dramatically after seeing that.

Unloading my truck sucked. After nearly dodging a tornado and driving two hours in rain that I only seen once before after Hurricane Gustav, I found my dresser and 75% of all my items were water damaged. My dresser no longer contains utility along with a few pictures, books, and clothes, (it's a good thing I have a fully furnished, apartment to live in!) My guitar is safe though, that is the important thing.

It rained so hard, that as I was parked on the side of the road and I couldn't even see the hood of my truck. I was worried because the sky was black as night and I knew a tornado was near. As I drove into the daylight again, I heard over the radio that a tornado was around the town I drove through 15 minutes prior. Whew.

My plants that have traveled many of miles with me and hold value (to all of your intrigue may I add), Gustav and Ike, survived and are already flourishing. My grapevine on the other hand isn't enjoying the change in heat all that well. Oh well, all I care about is Gustav and Ike. I'm a wierdo, I know Lew! I just like plants.

So, with that story told in a nutshell, I will soon finish setting up my room, and begin several multi-week projects. It's nice to actually have work to do but moving is not an enjoyable experience. I have moved several times and each time, I have no regrets. Each decision, whether moving or staying, I feel was the right decision at the moment given the circumstances and lessons to be had. I will have to prepare my response to those people here in Houston, who with out a doubt, will ask me why I did not move here a year ago as originally planned. I guess I'll say, "The timing was just not right" or something of that sort. But I am here and so officially marks the beginning of my next chapter.

Time to shave my beard of apathy and "get 'er done!"

I'm back in the old town I used to live in, in Louisiana. Wow I forgot how humid it is here! Either way, it'll be nice to see certain people I haven't seen in 9 months. I sat down and was talking with this guy where I am parked and I have to say, Cajuns are some great people. Anyways, time to have some fun after driving 1500 miles!

It's Relaxing

My last night in the only place that I consider that I "grew" up. Where I always enjoyed sitting outside during a good thunderstorm. My last night here and I get to enjoy my favorite thing since I was 15. Sitting outside during a nice storm. I'll have plenty of storms to hear and I will damn well make sure that sometime soon, I'll have my own place to sit outside for a good storm. Plenty of storms, at that.

Houston: T-minus nine hours. 0900 we embark.

Final Farewells

Well, as I await the arrival of my friends from throughout the city, I patiently sit here and type. I always get anxious before long drives and I wish I had someone I know that has a way of calming me. Unfortunately, for this drive there will be no one to text to say I am nervous or to talk too while driving. FYI, it is illegal to be on a cell phone while driving in Pennsylvania so it's for the best.

Will all my final goodbyes said and my truck loaded up, I have only my final moments with some of my closest friends to enjoy. I am excited to be going on my journey and start this new chapter in my life. I will make the best of it, in a new and large city but will miss my friends and family dearly.

Don't worry, I will have the same number as I have had since coming home. Hey, Louisiana has cheap taxes when it comes to phones! So text or call.

I leave you with a song that has epitomized every move since I was in high school (yes there has been many moves). Tiff you know and understand me better than anyone I know and this too shall bring back memories :-) I'll come out to San Diego and visit, I promise. Kristy and I have joked around with the idea but we might fight the whole way there :-p

I present to you:

Some Things Are Best Seen

This song and video wrap up how I currently feel about so many things. So instead of writing some boring blog, I present to you, Eve 6, Here's to tonight. Enjoy.

P.S.: Since it is summer, my hair is red, so currently I find it fitting. I cant wait for winter so my hair turns brown again.... grrr... :-p

Cool

It's amazing the things that you find when you are packing. You constantly are like, oh this is garbage (toss!) or damn, I could've used these a few months ago. The good thing about this all, is I can unload a lot of useless crap and organize the things that I want. Sweet.

On a side note:

I am officially up to 21 individual readers that stop by regularly. In honor of this occasion, I will use the overused and kinda lame phrase of "cool."

Top cities of readers (I am breaking it down by IP visits):

Philadelphia, PA
A city I used to live in......
San Diego, CA (yeah Tiffy)
Houston, TX
Denver, CO

My writings suck and I really do not have many useful blogs but hell, "you's" guys still stop by. Thanks for reading. I'll be sure to update you's on how things are going in Houston in case I don't get a chance to talk to you!

New Laptop, New Journey

Before I begin, I would graciously like to state that I am writing this on a brand new laptop. After the death of my previous computer, I am finally up and running once again. I'm not going to lie, I like Vista and all of its "gadgets."

With a fun-filled fourth of July holiday over and the monoteny of life beginning once again for many, I prepare to embark on my 2000 mile Journey. At times I wish my life would be monotoned like many others, yet unfortunately I have the annoying urge to find something that I cannot see nor understand. These past few years of trying to find myself and my happiness is frankly getting old. Granted, I have wild stories, have met many fantastic people, and began to undestand several different cultures that make up the melting pot that is the United States. Yet, I just want it to end. I am tired of moving and searching for, at this moment, some cruel self-imposing destiny. Deep down, I know this journey to Houston will be where I truely find my self and whatever the hell it is that I am looking for.

I have moved many times in my life. I am probably to closest thing to being a modern day nomad in a first world country. I have lived in six different states, one foreign country, and have moved a total of nine times. This being my tenth move and seventh state. I have found that everytime you move, the most emotional part is the packing. As you box up memories and trash unneeded articles acquired durring your stent in a place, you think of those you may never see again, and those that you will miss. Packing, I find, allows you to psychologically build a wall to your attachments and with every major move, the wall grows bigger.

So as I sift through my belongings in the upcomming days, my thoughts will be deep, my heart will be weak, and my wall will unfortunately grow. Perhaps one day I can stand on the highest mountain overlooking the rising morning sun, soaking in the beauty of the purple mountains, and yell "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" Making the valleys of nature's consciousness echo, forcing the birds to take flight, and foxes to lift their heads; prematurely turning the purple mountains into their daytime colors of the evergreen and aspen trees, commanding mother nature's acknowledgement.

Until that day, I must journey on, trying my hardest not to look back and find that one thing that I long for. Some unknown destiny that has tortured me for oh so long. I just pray that one day I will finally find my happiness and I can look back at the road I traveled and say, "well that sucked, good things its over!"

But despite my sorrows, I am excited to start another chapter in my life. The past few chapters have had their ups and downs. I've met many great personalities. I have loved, cried, drank, self-pittied, learned, laughed, sweated, and bled. I am sure the next chapter will contain many of the same things, but we all learn from our past and I shall plow ahead and make the future. So, here's to life's mysteries and its never ending journies for meaning! :-)

Houston: T-minus seven days.

The Shore

Going "down the shore" today. I think spending the next four days on the beach is a good way of spending the few remaining days that I have here in Philadelphia. By next weekend I will be down south in Houston. Far from everything that I know.

Maybe I'll buy some of those orange floaties to put on my arms to look cool and sexy for the ladies this week. Perhaps a round float with sea horses on it will do the trick? Yeah this is all kind of random, I know. I just woke up and we all know how I am when I wake up. By "we" I mean the very few people that read this and know me.

Have a fun and safe 4th of July everyone.

The Rumor.... Spooooooky

So apparently there is still a rumor going around that I am the proud parent of twin boys. I first heard of this from a messenger from Virginia then a year later from a stalker (yes, you were right) who I knew in highschool, on myspace. I found it humorous until today in the store I ran into my junior prom date and she said our kids should play togather. I was like, " uhhhhh, what?"

So I will let it be known. No, I do not have kids. There was only one person in my life that I thought of having a family with and its best that the idea never came to fruition. I am also a firm believer in condoms (something I recommend to all) and if I had unprotected sex, that person was damn special at the time. Condoms folks. Condoms are key, even if you are allergic to latex, there are plenty of options.

So with that said, no I dont have twins, nor kids. I think I'd have a heart attack, lol. I used to get my jollies out of hearing this rumor but frankly, its getting old. This concept is merely douchebags who I haven't talk to in 9-12 yrs hearing stories of stories, of stories. They have plenty of kids, how about they worry about them and not if I have any. Thanks.

Family Picture

Ehhh, I mentioned a family picture not too long ago so I figured, what the hell, I'll upload it to here. So enjoy.

The Decision

Whelp, I am covered in deet, and have the lovely tingly taste on my lips from biting my fingers. I guess its a byporduct of not having my longer hair..... but I have my shadow and a nice tan. Tanning salons are for people who don't know how to relax and that are uptight.

Anyways, I chose Houston. I was offered a good deal and frankly, the opportunities to actually find my happiness lie there. It will be tought work and meger wages at first but believe you me, I will not take thie opportunity lightly.

My past is what made me who I am. I struggle, and am a fighter. Time to fight for myself. So Houston here I come! :-)

So It Shall

Whelp, I made my decision. Enough said.

Part II: be truely happy. It involves many factors and differ in accordence to the individual. I have grown weary and tired of making these decision. I wish I can be in place, not having to think of staying in a strange land, or moving to another city. I have fantastic stories but I do not wish this "lost" lifesyle on anyone. I know I will look back at this period in my life, and laugh. But as for now I just want it over. I have one week to think and decide. I love being single because it allows me to do such things and I feel free. The burden on your shoulders can weigh you down. So I will think and decide. I pray that this decision will at last bring me peace. A peace I so desperately want. Time to board my plane. Thanks for reading.

Risk, This Is No Boardgame: Sitting here in the airport I begin to contemplate. I have a week to decide on whether or not, I should move to Houston. One week. I've had to do this cost/benefit analysis plenty of times in my life. When I moved to a small town in Louisiana, when I chose to stay there, when I moved back to Philly, and many other instances. Some people choose to move or stay in a place for someone they love, or careers, or seeking out a dream. Whatever it is, moving is a huge decision and at times staying is also. I sit here blocking out all external factors and am focused on making a decision, as if I am pitching in "For Love of the Game." I most likely will be blogging a lot this week as I sift through the costs and benefits of moving AGAIN. I frankly want stability and to finally find happiness. I thought I found it before but happiness takes many many factors. No one thing can make you

An Enjoyable Trip

As I await my departure from the heat of the south, I sit here contemplating life and its trials. Tubing the Comal was a great time and I was surrounded by hilarious people. The "speedo" was put to great use. I don't often enjoy a lot of attention unless I am under the right circumstances but as it was, I received the attention that I sought out for. I never had people chanting for me before and I soaked up every minute of it. One girl as I was getting on the bus asked to see the speedo again and I wouldn't do it until I saw boobies. Hey I was "speedoed" out. Lets just say I upheld my end of the bargain ;-)I learned I definitely crave attention.

So my trip to Texas was fun. I now have more options to consider which will have a profound impact on my seemingly meaningless life. The scary thing is, I have little time to choose. Being single again and free, I am now open to whatever it is that I choose. "Choose wisely grasshopper," I think to myself. So we will see what comes out of my contemplative weeks. I may find myself living in Houston in a month or living in Philadelphia. Who knows.

I also learned that some people are inherently mean and negative. Those people usually live a miserable life, pretending to smile, and thinking they are better then everyone. In addition to that, some people may despise people for various reasons but deep down in some form they are infatuated with their hate. I don't see why these people go out of their way to know the doings of the people they despise. Whether it is checking their facebook page to talk garbage, in order to make themselves look good or routinely checking their blogs. I just don't understand that form of obsession and/or hate. If I despise someone I just don't give a crap. Think about that one.

So in summation, I have this. I have a great tan, I had never ending histarics, I have fantastic opportunities awaiting my decision, and people harbor hidden emotions for those they despise.

Carpe Diem. I just wish I had more "diems" to decide.

A surprise visit to Houston with tubing and cigars is a great way to spend a weekend. After flying in unannounced with one person in the "know", talking a little business while smoking cigars, I am eagerly awaiting tomorrow. Floating down a river drinking beer and plenty of laughs is a great way to spend a saturday. I forgot how hot it is down south. I left and it was a chilly 60 degrees and I come to Houston where its 95. My body is in shock, partially from the heat and partially all the beautiful women in Houston. All I know is saturday will be a great time and I have a big decision to make. Houston, or Philly. Philly or Houston. I will know more come the end of this trip.

Where's Waldo?

It really blows not having a computer and using your roomates once a day. O well, it beats living on facebook. We all have our habitual sites that we visit everytime we are at the computer. It's kinda nice being free from it all. All I have to say is that the weekend of the year is in one day. Ill be sure to post plenty of pics on facebook, or for those of you who refuse to get an account, perhaps photobucket. We'll see, just depends how special I think you are :-p

Philadelphia Water Department Going Green - Freeon, That Is

In a city proudly toting that it will soon be the greenest city in the country, I am troubled by a site I saw on the corner of Academy Road and Fairdale Road. Out of all the departments in the city, who would benefit the most about not polluting and protecting the rivers and streams, we see this. A Philadelphia Water Department truck, so poorly maintained and carelessly managed, dripping enough anti-freeze to form a puddle in the gutter. Do they not care of the pollution they create and eventually processing for our drinking water?

In my opinion, both the City of Philadelphia and its numerous departments and vehicles are going green. Green while dumping gallons upon gallons of anti-freeze from their vehicles. The Philadelphia Water Department is not the only department that I have seen huge puddles of this highly toxic substance pouring into our streets. I have witnessed the Philadelphia Parking Authority, The Department of Recreation, and the Departments of Streets and Sanitation in addition.

If our city's government wants to go green with carbon emissions and all of the currently green and trendy initiatives, they should start with water matters most. The pollution that seeps into of water, the ground, sewers, and eventually into us.

Perhaps the city should begin looking at their decaying fleet of vehicles as they pour anti-freeze into our lives. Philadelphia, this isn't the green that is the beneficial kind. The city is going for trendy grants on carbon emissions and energy which are socially inefficient, rather then take care of the pollution that affects every man, woman, child, annoying ass squirrels, birds, and pets. You get my drift.

I'm glad I had my phone on me and took the picture right before they jumped in the truck to try to drive away. Anyone else bothered by this? Wish I would've thought to get the tags on it too.

B-Day fun

Enjoying the first beautiful day in a while. Thank you weather. Mowed a lawn, ran some errands for my aunt, picked up meds for my friend's sick cat, and finally got home after being stuck in traffic for two hours coming home from my mom's house. Let the festivities begin :-)

Lets see, blond or brunette? Ive been on a blond kick lately.... I might jump back into my old faithful, brunette mode. All I know is they better have curly hair, right Tiff! I guess I'll see at the bars..... Not that I will actually talk to any of 'em :-P

Birthdays - Do What Makes You Happy

Birthday's to me are days to celebrate your existence. It's a day where even if I am annoyed or pissed off at someone, I'll put aside my grudges and wish the person a happy birthday usually through e-mail or text. Just because you are upset, doesn't mean you cannot honor their existence.

I usually take off from work on my birthday because it's truly your day to celebrate, why throw a wrench in your celebration? Last year I decided to work on my birthday and it was THE worst day of my life. I got home and didn't want to see another human being.

This year I cannot take off so my celebrations are somewhat different. I open up my first "gift", by that I mean a premeditated gift that is wrapped, since I was in high school. I remember that gift, it was my first guitar. First of many. Its almost 11 o'clock and I am sitting in the sun, sipping coffee and I began to think, "I want to do something that I thoroughly enjoy today, just for me." I looked out over my mom's back yard and it needs a mowing. Ah hah! So as soon as I click publish post, I will suit up and tackle the lawn. There's nothing like mowing a lawn. Immediate gratification that any true man appreciates.

This will probably be the first of many birthday posts for me but at the moment, I am going to do something I thoroughly enjoy. Some may read a book, lay on the couch, or go to the beach, but not me. I prefer the pleasant manly aroma of gasoline and cut grass radiating from my sweaty body.

Birthdays, do what makes you happy because you too can put the "happy" in happy birthday :-)

My Thoughts on Love at 19

While rummaging through my old bedroom for high school photos for a blog that I will later write, I came upon my old journal. I began to read and came across this piece about love that relates to my post earlier.



July 10th, 2002

What is love? Some explain it as caring deeply for someone. Others say it is a drug, which is very much the truth, for it releases chemicals into your brain. Maybe heroine addicts are really just addicted to love?

Longing to love, yet careful of its forms, I write this in surmounting thought. A tightness in my chest haunts me at the thought. Is it searching for truth? Depression? Or is it the presently unobtainable desire for which my heart may someday be destined for?

Love isn't always accepted with outreached arms, nor is it picture perfect. Coming from one who has never loved before, these words flow blindly, yet there is an enhanced sense that it surrounds me. It may one day be destined to flow through my veins like the waters of a collapsed damn but currently it seems to be the dried up lakes in death valley.

Waking up alone with only your dreams carries a burden through your body. A slave to society, you awake to time. Time, it gets us all. Does time stop when in love? Does looking into a lover's eyes make all the worries of this short life cease to exist? Looking into that sparkle of her eyes, I believe one finds a gate into himself and learns more then all the books of the world could offer. Seeing the only true gate into someones mind and soul, allows one to see the truth that lays within themselves.

When once asked what is happiness, I responded "to have no worries?" By loving, does time stop? Do we forget all of our cares and thoughts for one split moment? When gazing into the gate's of our lover's eyes, do we experience genuine happiness?

The meaning of life is impossible to comprehend. Only the enlightened ones truly know and refuse to share the lesson, out of pure wisdom. But does the meaning of happiness mean to love? Do the two merely coincide? Does happiness exist without love, or likewise? Only in the end we will truly know, for the end that awaits us is sealed within.

-----

I won't try to explain what I wrote and what answers have been obtained. I merely wanted to share my thoughts on love, when 19, and having never loved before....

My quote of the day:

"Hey Ryan, I'm here.... Yeah, I'll be that guy wearing a John Deer t-shirt, sitting on the tail of his truck, with a Bass Pro Shop hat on, cammo slippers, smokin' a cig..... Shut up, I love my cammo slippers man!"

Whats On My Mind

Philadelphia or Houston? Philadelphia or Houston? Philadelphia or Houston?

Houston or Philadelphia? Houston or Philadelphia? Houston or Philadelphia?

This all reminds me of a line I had in a play while in grade school. The one where I jumped so high my fake beard got stuck on the curtain line: "Decisions, decisions, I don't know what to do." So I shall sit here and continue to ponder:

Houston or Philadelphia? Philadelphia or Houston?

Any suggestions out there? I'd like to hear your thoughts and comments, whoever you are.

Competition Ends

I once told a confidant of mine about the competition I feel to be as successful as my father and my brother. My father being wealthy, known around the world for his projects and my brother being highly motivated, successful, and determined. I felt the need to compete. Deep down at the time I was just venting my frustrations about being the lost person of my family.

My brother was accepted and will be attending the Harvard MBA program, for which I admittedly told him on the phone that I was jealous, frustrated, yet proud and happy. I realized at that moment, unless some complete miracle and change of luck occurs, I just cannot compete.

We have been talking about my moving out there to Houston to continue a business that I originally moved to Louisiana with the expectation moving to Houston to begin. Around this time last year my bags were packed and something I prepared myself for six months was set to begin. My whole reason for being there was to be in Houston. A year later I have yet to make it to Houston. Around this time last year, I realized there was a fantastic opportunity before me, and I had to risk it. That opportunity eventually decayed but I won't ever say that my choice to stay where I was, was a bad decision. Ever. I had a lot of great laughs, smiles, met great people, and got to know people that I will always love.

My competition has ended with my brother today. Knowing that I cannot compete with his determination and sacrifice of his personal life to achieve what I always considered success.

I now am sitting at a desk, contemplating whether or not to go to Houston a year after choosing not to. The opportunity is there, circumstances are different, and I am single. I have nothing to lose for trying to obtain the very thing that 18 months ago I studied and trained for.

So as I want to congratulate my brother for all his hard work, I too want to vent my frustrations. Not to my lost confidant, but to this blog which really has filled the void. The only thing is, the blog doesn't have wit and knowledge, just the very few readers.

I may find myself in Houston around the very time I was due to be there, just a year late, and even more on my own. But I can say that the lessons learned and memories obtained from this past year from not going to Houston, will have prepared me much more then I was a year ago.

So to all those reading, I want to applaud my brother's hard work and determination. I want to wish him the best in school and with a relationship that will surely be tested to the max. Best wishes.

--Christopher

I Can't Write

Classifieds:

Help Wanted
Needing a muse urgently
Please apply within



I lost my muse. I would write depressing things or things that brought me happiness. Now, I just need a muse. I've been thinking on topics to write but really just am not interested in anything right now. I could write on dating..... BLAH.... I could write on love.... BLAH..... I could write on how I have made mistakes in my life... BLAH....

I could write, yet it would be on nonsense such as this. Maybe one day I will find a muse again. Until then, I'll just be lame.

You Ever feel.....

Have you ever felt like you lost or are missing something really important? My friends say that I have been a different person since moving back. They say my renaissance happened in NY, but a renaissance doesn't occur over night. It took many generations of failed ideas that lead to the grandeur that was the renaissance.

I don't know. I'm going on dates and meeting these fantastic people but all I feel is blah. I don't know how to describe it. I'm constantly working on bettering myself everyday and am becoming a happier/healthier person, yet I feel as if there is something missing. Something/someone, I have no clue.

I am putting my past behind me but somewhere in the past I lost something. I don't know what it is. I am loving being around my friends and family but there is just something. I wish I knew what is was.

The days go by and I am happy, so I think, somewhere along the line, I lost something big...... I have no clue what, but there's a tingling sensation that a piece of me is gone. Or something. Its driving me crazy.

Opening the Doors

Alright everyone. I kept this blog a secret for sometime but hell, its time to open the doors. A lot of the posts earlier were depressing but with the sun actually out today (After 10 straight days of rain, I think we all are rejoicing), I present to you the complete randomness that encompasses my thoughts.

Enjoy, and I promise you things won't be as dark. Lol.

For all you Philly people, especially those that live down here by The Plateau I present to you the only song that makes you realize spring and summer is here.

Jaw Dropping Artist(s)

I received an e-mail today from someone who constantly sends FWDs and jokes. We all have those people in our contacts. The kind that you just want to block, yet don't out of fear that you might actually get one of substance. Well, I opened one of the 9 that were forwarded to me and to my amazement, I discovered a fantastic artist. My first impulse was to immediately forward it to everyone on my contacts, minus one or two, but then I would be that guy.

I have to share it with you (whoever is reading this). Edgar Mueller. Check him out.

Philly Gets a Lingerie Football Team

There is a God afterall! He hasn't been smiting us after all these years. He was just waiting for enough men denied sex from their spouses, boyfriends cruelly denied sex as a form of control (I can't complain), and pubescent boys to fill the demand. Demand for a Lingerie Football League.

Thanks to a well informed co-ed, who happens to be trying out next week, I was notified of this league that will bring joy along with entertainment to so many frustrated men, not-so-frusterated, and "Pee Wee Hermans" alike. After all, who doesn't want to see a bunch of lingerie donning co-eds running and grabbing each other?

To get more information on the Philadelphia Passion, visit MyFoxPhilly.com.

If you want to check out the LFL's website, there ya go. Lets just hope they are all wearing Vicki's. Then again, a BioFit Bra might not provide the support needed, but is that a bad thing?

Francis, A Mobile Blog

As I'm out on my deck, relaxing from a long morning of landscaping, the bird are chirping, and people are mowing their lawns. I learned today that women don't need fancy things or dinners, they want you to do a little work so they can sit and feel at peace. I know my hard, sweaty gift of a flower bed and newly landscaped yard will allow both my mom and aunt to smile and feel relaxed for months to come. I probably will never have a lot of money. But I know by doing small things that mean a lot to a woman's peace will mean way more then a fancy car or dinner and not really caring about their inner peace.

So I am out here whistling to my birds a call that I would whistle to these chicklets that nested next to where I would smoke. Suddenly two of the chicks (now grown) fly up to the chair my feet are on and drop me two worms. Whistle my call, then fly away. There's a reason why I am nicknamed Francis after the saint.

Animals feel peace around me and are not afraid. So as I quickly and rudely put the worms in the flower bed, I still appreciate the gift and after two years, still being remembered. People say animals don't have long memories and no emotion, but after worms being left for me as a present, I would like to argue that belief. Perhaps I'm not such a bad person after all. I may have things to work on and a heart that is still foolishly seeking out its lost love, but deep down, I'm kind and sincere. Thank you birdies, but your worms should be in the ground :-)

Cell Phone Blog (Part 2)

Cont'd....... succesfully beat her current illness. So with that said, I am sitting outside on the deck alone, enjoying the much needed coolness of the night. It'd be great to have someone just sitting here with me at my moms house. I realized that when u move out on your own away from your parents, u find yourselfself often alone and existing in the monotony that is life. I miss having a companion. Someone to sit down and just talk for hours because u enjoy each other's company and conversation. I'm alright with not having one right now but doesn't mean I don't want one. I'm content, relaxed, enjoying the fresh air, feeling accomplished after planting my garden and my aunts flower bed today. I knew there was a reason why I am not out getting drunk with friends at the bars. Its because of how I feel now. Relaxed, content, productive, and accomplished for the day. Good night, this really was randomness.

Cell Phone Blog (Part 1)

Blogging from the phone again. Planting my grape vines and vegetable garden today was a lot of work but relaxing. It was 90 today and my already tanned self soaked even more sun up. I've missed having my hobbies. I realized not being able to do your hobbies and take your mind of things will make u go crazy. After spending the day with my aunt who is on taking chemo almost daily, hair fallen out, worn down physically and mentally, I feel relaxed. Sitting and talking with her comforts me because with how focused I am on bettering myself, when I am around her, I want to better her and perhaps help her recover. To see someone that's seems insane but is fun t0 be around, who always laughed and was everywhere at once, become void of desire and laughter is disheartening. Now days I am the only person to motivate her and able to make her laugh. I feel that if I can make her laugh more, it might help her successful

Old Blogs, Pics, and Comments

I don't know a damn thing about anything anymore. I've never felt more frustrated about everything in my life. Living with no work to be found, bored outta my mind, I absolutely hate it. I think I might just hop in my truck and just drive. Drive anywhere that comes to mind. Impulsive and spontaneous. Pure adventure.

My mood the past few months has been that of Free Bird by Lynard Skynard.



Who knows, this birdie has been let outta his cage. Maybe I will just go and travel, see, learn, think. Any companionship is welcomed. I will be taking all applicants into consideration.

A Good Movie - Wall-E

Was supposed to play tennis this afternoon but things don't always go as planned. Was browsing through movies to buy and I totally forgot about this one. If you haven't seen it, you need too. Its a cute love story but still has undertones into a more philosophical reality that could face humans one day. Too bad I wasn't looking yesterday, Earth Day.

Wall-E

If You Could Do Anything

**Sorry if my grammar usage in my posts or off as after re-formatting my computer, I lack a word processor and every picture from the past two years :-(. Blogger only tells me if something is spelled incorrectly.**

My trip to New York was a trip to start/continue my soul searching. A week with 280 acres to play with and no worries, my goal was to begin thinking about what I want to do with my life. Leaving college for the first time because I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, it was pointless to study something if you do not want to use it. I was twenty two. As my twenty sixth birthday quickly approaches, in less then a month, I still have no clue. I work pointless jobs just for the sake of having a job.

I sat down discussing life with my father. His disappointment and frustration with my drinking. How he wanted to beat me because "I've never seen you that happy," he said. Something I told him that I was already tackling. He continued on about my smoking, something I was considering quitting over the past months. He whispered to me an offer I couldn't refuse, if I were to quit smoking, and to be awarded after one honest year of not smoking.

He began discussing how he doesn't want his grandchildren living in a house with a smoker and a drinker, as I was raised around my family here in Philadelphia. I agreed, I don't want my kids to be around that either. We began discussing how more then likely I will find someone soon and begin settling down, a thought that never crossed my mind until a year ago. Yet the whole concept frustrates and confuses me still.

We further began discussing careers and how I have absolutely no clue what I want to do. He asked, "if you can do anything, I mean anything. What would it be?" I replied, "Ive always been a great gardener, you know that. I want to grow vines or have a nursery. I was really serious about buying that property in Louisiana." Referring to a plot of land between a small town called Leonville and Opelousus. "I knew how I was going to move the dirt for drainage, arrange the rows, and plant vines. I wanted to start a vineyard and I would line the perimeter with rose bushes. It would've been really pretty and profitable."

"Rose bushes?" he asked. "Yeah their scent naturally wards off pests. I would've been able to sell the roses too. I wanted plenty of peach ones," as I explained why. He smacked me in the head with his West Point Ring. Something he would do when I was young and in trouble. "Dumb shit, you better learn from that."

As I further discussed the layout of the land and how it would be formed to maximize productivity he began to smile. He is an engineer so he understood exactly what, how, and the money involved to do it.

"Well money is no option. If you figure out what you want to do and get educated for it, you can do it. You just need to focus and use your potential. Everyone is frustrated with you because you have so much potential but are just lost," he said.

-----

I won't lie, as I began writing this, it was to vent my frustration with myself over what I want to do with my life. My goal was to still be lost, but I think I know now. I can envision exactly the picture I had last fall of the property. Driving up the long driveway, looking at the rows of vines lined with roses and their scent in the air.

I know that the University of California has a viticulture and enology program. I think I will start my search there. I think the mere process of writing this blog has awaken me once again. Its nice to smile. It has been a while.

Quote of the night..... "I wanna loom." - Ryan H

Lets Talk About Sex Baby

A throw back to the song that was once popular, and overcoming, pun intended, the American taboo of talking about sex. Puritanical society still exists within America even though we all do it. With the Suffragettes winning their battle and the sexual revolution over, both men and women are allowed to enjoy sex. Why not? It feel good and is like a mind cleaning devise. Have too much and it can cloud your mind.

It amazes me to think that women up until recently were frowned upon if they enjoyed sex. They have more nerve endings packed in a smaller area, so of course it will feel good.

People have all sorts of preferences, such as internal or external stimulation. This post could go on for days describing the many kinks and hidden secrets of people and their sexual preferences. I am not trying to explain those and they are what they are. Preferences. Yes, on my blog a word can be a sentence. It's a fascist regime here.

Some people finish quickly, others go on for too long. There are those people that you are content having it occasionally, other may do tiny things that turn you on so much that you need it almost every time you see them. People even enjoy having sex with certain people more then others. You have people who are quiet, others obnoctiously loud. Biters that leave bruises and scratchers that leave two, four finger n ur back for days.

I've heard, "Oh my God I never had so many in my life!" and "I give it to him whenever he wants because I love him and want him to be fulfilled.... Even though it made me feel like a piece of meat." I heard that and had to say, its completely alright to say no. I've even heard, "I had more sex with him than all the times before times ten!"

I write this not to explain my sexual preferences, abilities, or inabilities. Frankly I'm probably not that good. I write this because I was talking with a friend
about sex. He said, "there are two types, hard and soft." I disagree because there are many forms of it. You have love making, sex (the same positions over and over), drunken sex, and shower/bath sex. You have the, I'm gonna wake you up by rubbing my butt on your crotch sex, morning sex, the lets not get caught sex(my favorite but I'm usually embaressed afterwards.) I continued listing on the lets have sex before our date so we can hang out and actually talk all night and have meaningful conversation sex, make up sex, break up sex, and the list went on. The point is sex should be seen as two people sharing a moment together. Re-read the list above and think about each and every moment. I said, "there are many forms, you are sharing the moment, and you have it for different reasons."

Then like many other guys, he felt the need to detail down to the freckle, his lovers anatomy to me. I'm sure women talk about size and how long a guy can last, or certain things that were great. Guys do too, but for as sexual as I am and how much I enjoy having sex, I do not need a painting of your lovers anatomy. If I wanted to know that much, I would have sex with them myself.

Maybe its just me but when I truly care about someone, all those things are private. That's my lover and you do not need to know or be picturing anything about them. The things we do are between us. I don't know, I am very sexual and open but it annoys me when I am told the details of a person's lover/love life. I find it disrespectful and I could give a crap about her two freckles on the right side of her vulva.

Sex, whether kinky, rough, soft, or whatever, is two people sharing a moment. A culmination of their emotions, arousal, playfulness, and fantasies. It is communication between two bodies listened to, not by the ears, but sensation. "Some conversations are best left unsaid," I was told once. So please, your conversation with your lover and extreme details should be for you.

Everyday when I talk to the girl mentioned above, I'll be doing it, thinking about two freckles and know way more then I wanted to know. She's an attractive woman that I never thought sexually about(Ok, ok, once or twice, but she was in a bikini and its a proven fact that women in bikinis are seen as sex objects by men). That harshed my mellow and I feel bad that I could describe her anatomy without ever seeing it. Some things are best left unsaid.

Just One Day

You ever wish could just shut off your mind and be a kid again and not have to worry about rent, food, your car, things you regret, or working. I just wish I could be, for one day, like I was in the picture above. Crawling around, exploring, always laughing, and smiling. Not a care in the world. Reaching your arms up and repetitiously stretching your hands out then making a fist because you want hugged. (Something I still do to this day)

Things were simple and I just wish, for one day.

Spring in Seven Hours

As I began my seven hour journey from upstate new york, the trees were plain and the air bland. Slowly over time the trees began budding and blossoming. The willows with their long yellow branches. An hour later, cherry trees began blooming. I had a Japanese song I learned while living in Hawaii going through my head.

Sakura

sakura sakura
no-yama mo sato mo
mi-watasu kagiri
kasumi ka kumo ka
asahi ni niou
sakura sakura
hana-zakari

sakura sakura
yayoi no sora wa
mi-watasu kagiri
kasumi ka kumo ka
nioi zo izuru
iza ya iza ya
mi ni yukan

Translation:

Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
On Meadow-hills and mountains
As far as you can see.
Is it a mist, or clouds?
Fragrant in the morning sun.
Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
Flowers in full bloom.

Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
Across the Spring sky,
As far as you can see.
Is it a mist, or clouds?
Fragrant in the air.
Come now, come,
Let’s look, at last!

It seemed to be a time lapsed video of spring time, pinnacled by a magnificent drive through Princeton, New Jersey. The road was lined with cherry trees blossoming with their pink and white petals. The air was thick with an aroma worthy of Aphrodities herself. Couples walking, holding hands coincided with young families walking their babies in strollers while eating ice cream. I couldn't help but let out a glorious smile for the moment. Suddenly a song forbidden to be played in my presence, Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours," came on. I smiled, cranked up the music, and continued my journey home as if nature herself was sitting on the hood of my car glazing into my eyes. Beckoning me with her index finger and blowing her perfume to arouse my consciousness.

It was truly a spectacular moment that I can only begin to describe. Happy spring everyone.

Mental note: in NJ you can't pump your own gas. Lol, like a jackass, I forgot and tried to pump my own gas. Opps :-) In Princeton, NJ. Its a beautiful area. Maybe I'll stop and take a picture of the hospital on House.

A Good Trip

Wow, two post in a night, maybe this is why I cannot sleep. I have a seven hour drive tomorrow back south to Philadelphia.

I have to say this trip to upstate New York has been relaxing. With my past put behind me, my present understood, and my future kind of mapped out, I have clarity. Its amazing how being in a simple location can allow your mind to think and contemplate. I've learned a few things while here:

The past is the past. After receiving a box of my belonging from when I was 21 I realized how much we change over the years. It was like opening up a time capsule. Numerous floppies with all my writings from college, I need to find a computer with a floppy drive so I can see whats on them. I'm curious to see if I was ever a decent writer. A girlfriend in college, the one who called me, slippers somehow ended up in the box. A paintball gun, a love note, and even pictures from high school that I forgot about.

The present is what it is. My current situation is a culmination of the past and cannot be changed. The only way to change the present is to constantly work on the future.

The future, well (sigh), is filled with nicotine patches, non-alcoholic beverages, and attending a university again. I'm still fuzzy about the future but hell, I am not psychic. So we shall see.

So at 3AM when most people my age are drunk, hooking up with random people, or having sex with their partners, I am typing. Lol. But then again, I am at my dad's house and am content. Carpe Diem.

"You say all the wrong things at all the wrong time"

That phrase sums me up pretty well. I had an ex, my first love, call me two days ago, she must've gotten my my number from her brother I spoke with last week. After a very nice catching up conversation that lasted over an hour, I hung up and began to ponder. I was asked by her, "what do you want?" I was 21 and said what was on my mind because we were laying in bed. I said, "head." Yeah a pretty jack ass move huh? Not too long after that we were broken up, but saying things such as that probably led her to cheat with her ex bf, something that stayed with me until my next major relationship. It was only a year later that I realized she wasn't asking me something sexual; the answer was laid out before me, the answer should've been, "you." But that relationship was based off sex and the merit was low.

Its funny how I say so many wrong things at all the wrong times. You would figure I'd learn eventually and become a smooth talking, designer shirt wearing, womanizer. I am none of the above. I am always surprised if I say something smooth, so much so that I usually ruin the "Rico Suave-ness" of the very thing I said by following up with a, "wow, that was smooth, I can't believe I said that."

I am painfully honest and therefor end up self-sabotaging what little game I actually have. I am honest when I am sober, but when I drink I enter into some crazy fantasy world.

This boring introspection leads me to my next instance of big, no turning back, self-sabotage. I was broken up with my another ex, a relationship based off a pure appreciation of who the person was. From the funny face they made in the mirror while applying makeup, the "ball", the way she said "Come on" and "Step down," down to the way she would like to argue. I received a text saying, "I just want you to know I am thinking about you. I still love you." And what do I do? I explode like a psycho. I was drinking with my family and just broke down. Struggling with my decision to stay where I was at and honestly try to work things out, wore me out. At that moment I didn't need that.

I exploded. I was drunk like every other time I exploded. The drinking was the main cause of the break up because I would just get nasty. I exploded several times after that until one morning, March 15th, after exploding and saying so many mean things, pushing myself out completely of the person's thoughts, I realized something.

Drinking caused all of our problems. We were happy, and in puppy dog love (I think). Almost never fought when I was sober. After exploding 5 months after the break up I was like, "dude, this is what caused so many problems and you haven't changed a bit!"

With my clarity of sobriety, I have realized that at the moment I received the text, I should have said what I am thinking now while rational. I should've said, "I miss you and I am sorry. I still love you too." Because I did feel that way but didn't have the mental preparedness or awareness to fight the root cause, the drinking.

So as I am out of the person's thoughts completely, they probably hate me, and that text no longer applies. In my new clarity and current thoughts I can say, "I miss you. Things aren't the same without you and I from the deepest realms of my heart, sorry for hurting you and being a jealous, pompous jerk." Its way to late to say that as she probably has another boyfriend.

So as I continue dating and meeting new people, I just really hope that I can learn from my moronic answers to questions and statements. I will continue to try and practice sobriety because I just cannot stand to lose someone I deeply care about over a beverage and be mean to them when, while sober, want to treat them like the queen they are.

This week has been so relaxing, yet some random phone call made me ponder why and how I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

Any comments out there about self-sabotage and learning life? Words of wisdom?

I didn't realize that comments were disabled. Thanks for the heads up The Todd.

Todd, I Hate You and Here It Is

Todd, or should I say ass face, here is a recording of the song you love. I hate when you try to record me playing it and I am giving in.

To all not in the loop, its a song I wrote after moving home to Philadelphia. Sorry this is so damn cheesy but it will stop Todd from trying to record me.

I hereby present to you the world premier of "Im Sorry."



P.S. - Todd I hate you and look forward to kicking ur WOP ass when I get home

Shooting My Rifle's First Shot

Stubborn Men and Needing Cuddled

I won't speak for all men when it comes to this subject so I will generalize for them and speak for myself:

I am a very stubborn person by nature. My grandfather who spoke very little English loved me because even as a toddler I was stubborn. My mom would tell me not to do something and she would smack me. I would immediately smack her back. This process would go on and on until one of us gave up. He would laugh so hard until one day, he left for the store and returned with a big wheel. He said that I made him proud knowing the German spirit lives within one of his grandchildren.

I've always been stubborn. I love not to give in or to argue a topic even if I know I am wrong, just to see how someone lays out a case. Its a sign of intelligence to be able to argue and state fact in proof of your case. Hell, at times with my ex girlfriends, it seemed a way of foreplay to argue some stupid idea or word, i.e. is a theory absolute? I knew I was wrong early on but it was fun to see that sexiness portrayed in intelligence. In my stubborn way, it was foreplay.

So what does this have to do with cuddling you say? Well, in the shower I realized my hands were covered in blisters, likewise my arms, neck, and ears. I have a bad habit of twisting my hair when I am overdue for a haircut but hell, it keeps me from biting my fingers. Twisting my hair and biting my fingers are treated like crop rotation, letting one regenerate while I deplete the other. The last two of my bad habits I will try to conquer.

So I walked downstairs and my step-mother immediately said, "Oh my god your neck!" I brushed it off and acted as if it were no big deal. I suddenly tried to discuss my spontaneous trip into the woods but she didn't seem to care. The blisters soon began to itch more and more as I tried to brush them off. I stubbornly went to my room and changed into my field clothes, donned one of my cheesy perverted shirts that I don't care if I ruin, and started prepping my virgin rifle for her "cherry popping ceremony."

A half an hour later and a few cigarettes, I was in the back field shooting my rifle. She shot beautifully for never have been fired and sitting idle for 7 years. The itching was driving me mad but I would refuse to act like it bothered me. That's the thing about men, we can be sick, or our backs hurt until we feel like crying, but we will never admit to being defeated by it. Its our job to seem invincible, in our own minds at least, and its a woman's job to sit there and watch us in our misery until we break down as they laugh inside.

So as I was offered calamine lotion once again I gave in. I grabbed the bottle ran up stairs, got naked, and began dumping it on myself. "Ahhhhh, instant satisfaction," I thought as I was shivering from the sweet relief. After thoroughly covering myself with the lotion, luckily I was my hands when coming in from the field which spared me even more doom, I walked down stairs to the laughter of everyone. I suddenly heard my dad singing the song to my favorite childhood cartoon, "Casper the friendly ghost, the friendly ghost, the friendly ghost" as he fought with all his might not to start crying from laughter. I was white as a ghost.

At that moment I realized my stubborn behavior and how for the first time my step mom put aside our constant battles of spite, and was acting like a mom. Women have a much needed and at times annoying way of caring for us men. Whether it be a mother nagging you to do or take things or a girlfriend worried about you when u drink or if you smoke too much.

As much as I hate to admit, women are almost always right when it comes to being sick or hurt. Its natural for them to provide comfort even after we stubbornly pushed aside their suggestions. Nature has evolved them to deal with us stubborn men and force us to take the actions needed to become better, whether be through nagging or sly suggestion.

So as I bask in my new found relief, I just want to curl up in a ball and have my head rubbed. There is nothing like the comfort provided by a woman when you are sick or hurting. Having your head rubbed and in their arms after a lengthy battle of wills and wits, is the perfect way to feel better. Looking up in their arms and smiling, is the perfect way to say I am sorry and appreciate all that you do.

I think I will go lay on the couch now.

Relaxed.... Im Not Meant to be a City Boy

Front part of the property showing the Hudson River.









Middle part of the property showing the house and backyard. The back fields will be added later.



Ive never been so relaxed. I am out of the house by 10 and am not home until 6, in time to be showered and ready for supper. There's plenty of exploring to do! Plenty of man things to do, plenty of sun to be had, and frankly playing the guitar on the tail of the pick up is quite relaxing.

It reminds of what I loved about Louisiana. I used to stay on the weekends with a friend's family and loved it. I probably overstayed my welcome many of times but I loved spending time with them and feeling free. They were great company and I admire their lifestyle. I would wake up before everyone, make some coffee, and go across the street and sip the warm brew. The clarity and freedom that living in the country provides is unmatched by any city living.

Maybe one day I will move out into the country and find me a blue eyed country girl. She's gonna have to have spunk though :-)

Testing this out. Let see if I really can blog from my cell phone. And if I can, the person who made me get a qwerty is officially cool again, kinda.

Quote by Sam Keen and Wabbits

I came across a quote and I felt like sharing it with the very few of you who actually stop by and read this blog, regularly. I don't know a single one of you but keep on stopping by. Although I delete blogs often, sorry about that by the way, here it is:

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

-- Sam Keen

I don't have a lot of experience on this issue but I find it to be true from what little I have experienced. Only been there twice and with one I thought I could've spent the rest of my life with. Now chances are I won't see nor talk to her for the rest of my life which I won't lie hurts a little.


So read the quote. Contemplate it and try to see how it truly fits in love whether it be with family members or someone you love. Im sure there are much better quotes out there but I enjoyed it.


Happy Easter

Stability and 'Sorting it all out'

After being laid off from a nice paying, center city job, I find myself in the same boat as I was four months ago. I may not have the emotional baggage attached to it this time, yet the frustration remains the same. I have the chance to go to upstate New York and work in a very nice paying job but I remain hesitant to do so. I realized through meeting someone in April that I want stability in my life, something I never have had. I moved back to Philadelphia because I wanted to start on my stabilization efforts but in a city with 11% unemployment, finding a job is near impossible.

So I find myself at a juncture where I must decide to move, once again, to a “foreign” place for work. The pay is nice but I will once again be in a land far away from friends and family, thus putting an abrupt halt to my stability goals.

So as I ramble on, I am just trying to sort things out. Someone I once knew has a blog called the very thing. I’ve learned, at least through my experiences, that once you have things sorted out, you are oblivious to other issues, thus not having sorted much out at all.

To all those trying to sort things out, I wish you the best. I will be here contemplating life as I prepare for my seven hour trip north to interview in another “foreign” land. I just hope that one day I can find my stability and finally "sort it all out."

Rebirth

Thanks to blogspot, I can finally have multiple blogs under one account. Thank god.