My trip to New York was a trip to start/continue my soul searching. A week with 280 acres to play with and no worries, my goal was to begin thinking about what I want to do with my life. Leaving college for the first time because I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, it was pointless to study something if you do not want to use it. I was twenty two. As my twenty sixth birthday quickly approaches, in less then a month, I still have no clue. I work pointless jobs just for the sake of having a job.
I sat down discussing life with my father. His disappointment and frustration with my drinking. How he wanted to beat me because "I've never seen you that happy," he said. Something I told him that I was already tackling. He continued on about my smoking, something I was considering quitting over the past months. He whispered to me an offer I couldn't refuse, if I were to quit smoking, and to be awarded after one honest year of not smoking.
He began discussing how he doesn't want his grandchildren living in a house with a smoker and a drinker, as I was raised around my family here in Philadelphia. I agreed, I don't want my kids to be around that either. We began discussing how more then likely I will find someone soon and begin settling down, a thought that never crossed my mind until a year ago. Yet the whole concept frustrates and confuses me still.
We further began discussing careers and how I have absolutely no clue what I want to do. He asked, "if you can do anything, I mean anything. What would it be?" I replied, "Ive always been a great gardener, you know that. I want to grow vines or have a nursery. I was really serious about buying that property in Louisiana." Referring to a plot of land between a small town called Leonville and Opelousus. "I knew how I was going to move the dirt for drainage, arrange the rows, and plant vines. I wanted to start a vineyard and I would line the perimeter with rose bushes. It would've been really pretty and profitable."
"Rose bushes?" he asked. "Yeah their scent naturally wards off pests. I would've been able to sell the roses too. I wanted plenty of peach ones," as I explained why. He smacked me in the head with his West Point Ring. Something he would do when I was young and in trouble. "Dumb shit, you better learn from that."
As I further discussed the layout of the land and how it would be formed to maximize productivity he began to smile. He is an engineer so he understood exactly what, how, and the money involved to do it.
"Well money is no option. If you figure out what you want to do and get educated for it, you can do it. You just need to focus and use your potential. Everyone is frustrated with you because you have so much potential but are just lost," he said.
I won't lie, as I began writing this, it was to vent my frustration with myself over what I want to do with my life. My goal was to still be lost, but I think I know now. I can envision exactly the picture I had last fall of the property. Driving up the long driveway, looking at the rows of vines lined with roses and their scent in the air.
I know that the University of California has a viticulture and enology program. I think I will start my search there. I think the mere process of writing this blog has awaken me once again. Its nice to smile. It has been a while.
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