"You say all the wrong things at all the wrong time"

That phrase sums me up pretty well. I had an ex, my first love, call me two days ago, she must've gotten my my number from her brother I spoke with last week. After a very nice catching up conversation that lasted over an hour, I hung up and began to ponder. I was asked by her, "what do you want?" I was 21 and said what was on my mind because we were laying in bed. I said, "head." Yeah a pretty jack ass move huh? Not too long after that we were broken up, but saying things such as that probably led her to cheat with her ex bf, something that stayed with me until my next major relationship. It was only a year later that I realized she wasn't asking me something sexual; the answer was laid out before me, the answer should've been, "you." But that relationship was based off sex and the merit was low.

Its funny how I say so many wrong things at all the wrong times. You would figure I'd learn eventually and become a smooth talking, designer shirt wearing, womanizer. I am none of the above. I am always surprised if I say something smooth, so much so that I usually ruin the "Rico Suave-ness" of the very thing I said by following up with a, "wow, that was smooth, I can't believe I said that."

I am painfully honest and therefor end up self-sabotaging what little game I actually have. I am honest when I am sober, but when I drink I enter into some crazy fantasy world.

This boring introspection leads me to my next instance of big, no turning back, self-sabotage. I was broken up with my another ex, a relationship based off a pure appreciation of who the person was. From the funny face they made in the mirror while applying makeup, the "ball", the way she said "Come on" and "Step down," down to the way she would like to argue. I received a text saying, "I just want you to know I am thinking about you. I still love you." And what do I do? I explode like a psycho. I was drinking with my family and just broke down. Struggling with my decision to stay where I was at and honestly try to work things out, wore me out. At that moment I didn't need that.

I exploded. I was drunk like every other time I exploded. The drinking was the main cause of the break up because I would just get nasty. I exploded several times after that until one morning, March 15th, after exploding and saying so many mean things, pushing myself out completely of the person's thoughts, I realized something.

Drinking caused all of our problems. We were happy, and in puppy dog love (I think). Almost never fought when I was sober. After exploding 5 months after the break up I was like, "dude, this is what caused so many problems and you haven't changed a bit!"

With my clarity of sobriety, I have realized that at the moment I received the text, I should have said what I am thinking now while rational. I should've said, "I miss you and I am sorry. I still love you too." Because I did feel that way but didn't have the mental preparedness or awareness to fight the root cause, the drinking.

So as I am out of the person's thoughts completely, they probably hate me, and that text no longer applies. In my new clarity and current thoughts I can say, "I miss you. Things aren't the same without you and I from the deepest realms of my heart, sorry for hurting you and being a jealous, pompous jerk." Its way to late to say that as she probably has another boyfriend.

So as I continue dating and meeting new people, I just really hope that I can learn from my moronic answers to questions and statements. I will continue to try and practice sobriety because I just cannot stand to lose someone I deeply care about over a beverage and be mean to them when, while sober, want to treat them like the queen they are.

This week has been so relaxing, yet some random phone call made me ponder why and how I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

Any comments out there about self-sabotage and learning life? Words of wisdom?