As I'm out on my deck, relaxing from a long morning of landscaping, the bird are chirping, and people are mowing their lawns. I learned today that women don't need fancy things or dinners, they want you to do a little work so they can sit and feel at peace. I know my hard, sweaty gift of a flower bed and newly landscaped yard will allow both my mom and aunt to smile and feel relaxed for months to come. I probably will never have a lot of money. But I know by doing small things that mean a lot to a woman's peace will mean way more then a fancy car or dinner and not really caring about their inner peace.
So I am out here whistling to my birds a call that I would whistle to these chicklets that nested next to where I would smoke. Suddenly two of the chicks (now grown) fly up to the chair my feet are on and drop me two worms. Whistle my call, then fly away. There's a reason why I am nicknamed Francis after the saint.
Animals feel peace around me and are not afraid. So as I quickly and rudely put the worms in the flower bed, I still appreciate the gift and after two years, still being remembered. People say animals don't have long memories and no emotion, but after worms being left for me as a present, I would like to argue that belief. Perhaps I'm not such a bad person after all. I may have things to work on and a heart that is still foolishly seeking out its lost love, but deep down, I'm kind and sincere. Thank you birdies, but your worms should be in the ground :-)
Cell Phone Blog (Part 2)
Cont'd....... succesfully beat her current illness. So with that said, I am sitting outside on the deck alone, enjoying the much needed coolness of the night. It'd be great to have someone just sitting here with me at my moms house. I realized that when u move out on your own away from your parents, u find yourselfself often alone and existing in the monotony that is life. I miss having a companion. Someone to sit down and just talk for hours because u enjoy each other's company and conversation. I'm alright with not having one right now but doesn't mean I don't want one. I'm content, relaxed, enjoying the fresh air, feeling accomplished after planting my garden and my aunts flower bed today. I knew there was a reason why I am not out getting drunk with friends at the bars. Its because of how I feel now. Relaxed, content, productive, and accomplished for the day. Good night, this really was randomness.
Cell Phone Blog (Part 1)
Blogging from the phone again. Planting my grape vines and vegetable garden today was a lot of work but relaxing. It was 90 today and my already tanned self soaked even more sun up. I've missed having my hobbies. I realized not being able to do your hobbies and take your mind of things will make u go crazy. After spending the day with my aunt who is on taking chemo almost daily, hair fallen out, worn down physically and mentally, I feel relaxed. Sitting and talking with her comforts me because with how focused I am on bettering myself, when I am around her, I want to better her and perhaps help her recover. To see someone that's seems insane but is fun t0 be around, who always laughed and was everywhere at once, become void of desire and laughter is disheartening. Now days I am the only person to motivate her and able to make her laugh. I feel that if I can make her laugh more, it might help her successful
Old Blogs, Pics, and Comments
I don't know a damn thing about anything anymore. I've never felt more frustrated about everything in my life. Living with no work to be found, bored outta my mind, I absolutely hate it. I think I might just hop in my truck and just drive. Drive anywhere that comes to mind. Impulsive and spontaneous. Pure adventure.
My mood the past few months has been that of Free Bird by Lynard Skynard.
Who knows, this birdie has been let outta his cage. Maybe I will just go and travel, see, learn, think. Any companionship is welcomed. I will be taking all applicants into consideration.
My mood the past few months has been that of Free Bird by Lynard Skynard.
Who knows, this birdie has been let outta his cage. Maybe I will just go and travel, see, learn, think. Any companionship is welcomed. I will be taking all applicants into consideration.
A Good Movie - Wall-E
Was supposed to play tennis this afternoon but things don't always go as planned. Was browsing through movies to buy and I totally forgot about this one. If you haven't seen it, you need too. Its a cute love story but still has undertones into a more philosophical reality that could face humans one day. Too bad I wasn't looking yesterday, Earth Day.
Wall-E
If You Could Do Anything
**Sorry if my grammar usage in my posts or off as after re-formatting my computer, I lack a word processor and every picture from the past two years :-(. Blogger only tells me if something is spelled incorrectly.**
My trip to New York was a trip to start/continue my soul searching. A week with 280 acres to play with and no worries, my goal was to begin thinking about what I want to do with my life. Leaving college for the first time because I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, it was pointless to study something if you do not want to use it. I was twenty two. As my twenty sixth birthday quickly approaches, in less then a month, I still have no clue. I work pointless jobs just for the sake of having a job.
I sat down discussing life with my father. His disappointment and frustration with my drinking. How he wanted to beat me because "I've never seen you that happy," he said. Something I told him that I was already tackling. He continued on about my smoking, something I was considering quitting over the past months. He whispered to me an offer I couldn't refuse, if I were to quit smoking, and to be awarded after one honest year of not smoking.
He began discussing how he doesn't want his grandchildren living in a house with a smoker and a drinker, as I was raised around my family here in Philadelphia. I agreed, I don't want my kids to be around that either. We began discussing how more then likely I will find someone soon and begin settling down, a thought that never crossed my mind until a year ago. Yet the whole concept frustrates and confuses me still.
We further began discussing careers and how I have absolutely no clue what I want to do. He asked, "if you can do anything, I mean anything. What would it be?" I replied, "Ive always been a great gardener, you know that. I want to grow vines or have a nursery. I was really serious about buying that property in Louisiana." Referring to a plot of land between a small town called Leonville and Opelousus. "I knew how I was going to move the dirt for drainage, arrange the rows, and plant vines. I wanted to start a vineyard and I would line the perimeter with rose bushes. It would've been really pretty and profitable."
"Rose bushes?" he asked. "Yeah their scent naturally wards off pests. I would've been able to sell the roses too. I wanted plenty of peach ones," as I explained why. He smacked me in the head with his West Point Ring. Something he would do when I was young and in trouble. "Dumb shit, you better learn from that."
As I further discussed the layout of the land and how it would be formed to maximize productivity he began to smile. He is an engineer so he understood exactly what, how, and the money involved to do it.
"Well money is no option. If you figure out what you want to do and get educated for it, you can do it. You just need to focus and use your potential. Everyone is frustrated with you because you have so much potential but are just lost," he said.
-----
I won't lie, as I began writing this, it was to vent my frustration with myself over what I want to do with my life. My goal was to still be lost, but I think I know now. I can envision exactly the picture I had last fall of the property. Driving up the long driveway, looking at the rows of vines lined with roses and their scent in the air.
I know that the University of California has a viticulture and enology program. I think I will start my search there. I think the mere process of writing this blog has awaken me once again. Its nice to smile. It has been a while.
My trip to New York was a trip to start/continue my soul searching. A week with 280 acres to play with and no worries, my goal was to begin thinking about what I want to do with my life. Leaving college for the first time because I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, it was pointless to study something if you do not want to use it. I was twenty two. As my twenty sixth birthday quickly approaches, in less then a month, I still have no clue. I work pointless jobs just for the sake of having a job.
I sat down discussing life with my father. His disappointment and frustration with my drinking. How he wanted to beat me because "I've never seen you that happy," he said. Something I told him that I was already tackling. He continued on about my smoking, something I was considering quitting over the past months. He whispered to me an offer I couldn't refuse, if I were to quit smoking, and to be awarded after one honest year of not smoking.
He began discussing how he doesn't want his grandchildren living in a house with a smoker and a drinker, as I was raised around my family here in Philadelphia. I agreed, I don't want my kids to be around that either. We began discussing how more then likely I will find someone soon and begin settling down, a thought that never crossed my mind until a year ago. Yet the whole concept frustrates and confuses me still.
We further began discussing careers and how I have absolutely no clue what I want to do. He asked, "if you can do anything, I mean anything. What would it be?" I replied, "Ive always been a great gardener, you know that. I want to grow vines or have a nursery. I was really serious about buying that property in Louisiana." Referring to a plot of land between a small town called Leonville and Opelousus. "I knew how I was going to move the dirt for drainage, arrange the rows, and plant vines. I wanted to start a vineyard and I would line the perimeter with rose bushes. It would've been really pretty and profitable."
"Rose bushes?" he asked. "Yeah their scent naturally wards off pests. I would've been able to sell the roses too. I wanted plenty of peach ones," as I explained why. He smacked me in the head with his West Point Ring. Something he would do when I was young and in trouble. "Dumb shit, you better learn from that."
As I further discussed the layout of the land and how it would be formed to maximize productivity he began to smile. He is an engineer so he understood exactly what, how, and the money involved to do it.
"Well money is no option. If you figure out what you want to do and get educated for it, you can do it. You just need to focus and use your potential. Everyone is frustrated with you because you have so much potential but are just lost," he said.
I won't lie, as I began writing this, it was to vent my frustration with myself over what I want to do with my life. My goal was to still be lost, but I think I know now. I can envision exactly the picture I had last fall of the property. Driving up the long driveway, looking at the rows of vines lined with roses and their scent in the air.
I know that the University of California has a viticulture and enology program. I think I will start my search there. I think the mere process of writing this blog has awaken me once again. Its nice to smile. It has been a while.
Lets Talk About Sex Baby
A throw back to the song that was once popular, and overcoming, pun intended, the American taboo of talking about sex. Puritanical society still exists within America even though we all do it. With the Suffragettes winning their battle and the sexual revolution over, both men and women are allowed to enjoy sex. Why not? It feel good and is like a mind cleaning devise. Have too much and it can cloud your mind.
It amazes me to think that women up until recently were frowned upon if they enjoyed sex. They have more nerve endings packed in a smaller area, so of course it will feel good.
People have all sorts of preferences, such as internal or external stimulation. This post could go on for days describing the many kinks and hidden secrets of people and their sexual preferences. I am not trying to explain those and they are what they are. Preferences. Yes, on my blog a word can be a sentence. It's a fascist regime here.
Some people finish quickly, others go on for too long. There are those people that you are content having it occasionally, other may do tiny things that turn you on so much that you need it almost every time you see them. People even enjoy having sex with certain people more then others. You have people who are quiet, others obnoctiously loud. Biters that leave bruises and scratchers that leave two, four finger n ur back for days.
I've heard, "Oh my God I never had so many in my life!" and "I give it to him whenever he wants because I love him and want him to be fulfilled.... Even though it made me feel like a piece of meat." I heard that and had to say, its completely alright to say no. I've even heard, "I had more sex with him than all the times before times ten!"
I write this not to explain my sexual preferences, abilities, or inabilities. Frankly I'm probably not that good. I write this because I was talking with a friend
about sex. He said, "there are two types, hard and soft." I disagree because there are many forms of it. You have love making, sex (the same positions over and over), drunken sex, and shower/bath sex. You have the, I'm gonna wake you up by rubbing my butt on your crotch sex, morning sex, the lets not get caught sex(my favorite but I'm usually embaressed afterwards.) I continued listing on the lets have sex before our date so we can hang out and actually talk all night and have meaningful conversation sex, make up sex, break up sex, and the list went on. The point is sex should be seen as two people sharing a moment together. Re-read the list above and think about each and every moment. I said, "there are many forms, you are sharing the moment, and you have it for different reasons."
Then like many other guys, he felt the need to detail down to the freckle, his lovers anatomy to me. I'm sure women talk about size and how long a guy can last, or certain things that were great. Guys do too, but for as sexual as I am and how much I enjoy having sex, I do not need a painting of your lovers anatomy. If I wanted to know that much, I would have sex with them myself.
Maybe its just me but when I truly care about someone, all those things are private. That's my lover and you do not need to know or be picturing anything about them. The things we do are between us. I don't know, I am very sexual and open but it annoys me when I am told the details of a person's lover/love life. I find it disrespectful and I could give a crap about her two freckles on the right side of her vulva.
Sex, whether kinky, rough, soft, or whatever, is two people sharing a moment. A culmination of their emotions, arousal, playfulness, and fantasies. It is communication between two bodies listened to, not by the ears, but sensation. "Some conversations are best left unsaid," I was told once. So please, your conversation with your lover and extreme details should be for you.
Everyday when I talk to the girl mentioned above, I'll be doing it, thinking about two freckles and know way more then I wanted to know. She's an attractive woman that I never thought sexually about(Ok, ok, once or twice, but she was in a bikini and its a proven fact that women in bikinis are seen as sex objects by men). That harshed my mellow and I feel bad that I could describe her anatomy without ever seeing it. Some things are best left unsaid.
It amazes me to think that women up until recently were frowned upon if they enjoyed sex. They have more nerve endings packed in a smaller area, so of course it will feel good.
People have all sorts of preferences, such as internal or external stimulation. This post could go on for days describing the many kinks and hidden secrets of people and their sexual preferences. I am not trying to explain those and they are what they are. Preferences. Yes, on my blog a word can be a sentence. It's a fascist regime here.
Some people finish quickly, others go on for too long. There are those people that you are content having it occasionally, other may do tiny things that turn you on so much that you need it almost every time you see them. People even enjoy having sex with certain people more then others. You have people who are quiet, others obnoctiously loud. Biters that leave bruises and scratchers that leave two, four finger n ur back for days.
I've heard, "Oh my God I never had so many in my life!" and "I give it to him whenever he wants because I love him and want him to be fulfilled.... Even though it made me feel like a piece of meat." I heard that and had to say, its completely alright to say no. I've even heard, "I had more sex with him than all the times before times ten!"
I write this not to explain my sexual preferences, abilities, or inabilities. Frankly I'm probably not that good. I write this because I was talking with a friend
about sex. He said, "there are two types, hard and soft." I disagree because there are many forms of it. You have love making, sex (the same positions over and over), drunken sex, and shower/bath sex. You have the, I'm gonna wake you up by rubbing my butt on your crotch sex, morning sex, the lets not get caught sex(my favorite but I'm usually embaressed afterwards.) I continued listing on the lets have sex before our date so we can hang out and actually talk all night and have meaningful conversation sex, make up sex, break up sex, and the list went on. The point is sex should be seen as two people sharing a moment together. Re-read the list above and think about each and every moment. I said, "there are many forms, you are sharing the moment, and you have it for different reasons."
Then like many other guys, he felt the need to detail down to the freckle, his lovers anatomy to me. I'm sure women talk about size and how long a guy can last, or certain things that were great. Guys do too, but for as sexual as I am and how much I enjoy having sex, I do not need a painting of your lovers anatomy. If I wanted to know that much, I would have sex with them myself.
Maybe its just me but when I truly care about someone, all those things are private. That's my lover and you do not need to know or be picturing anything about them. The things we do are between us. I don't know, I am very sexual and open but it annoys me when I am told the details of a person's lover/love life. I find it disrespectful and I could give a crap about her two freckles on the right side of her vulva.
Sex, whether kinky, rough, soft, or whatever, is two people sharing a moment. A culmination of their emotions, arousal, playfulness, and fantasies. It is communication between two bodies listened to, not by the ears, but sensation. "Some conversations are best left unsaid," I was told once. So please, your conversation with your lover and extreme details should be for you.
Everyday when I talk to the girl mentioned above, I'll be doing it, thinking about two freckles and know way more then I wanted to know. She's an attractive woman that I never thought sexually about(Ok, ok, once or twice, but she was in a bikini and its a proven fact that women in bikinis are seen as sex objects by men). That harshed my mellow and I feel bad that I could describe her anatomy without ever seeing it. Some things are best left unsaid.
Just One Day
You ever wish could just shut off your mind and be a kid again and not have to worry about rent, food, your car, things you regret, or working. I just wish I could be, for one day, like I was in the picture above. Crawling around, exploring, always laughing, and smiling. Not a care in the world. Reaching your arms up and repetitiously stretching your hands out then making a fist because you want hugged. (Something I still do to this day)
Things were simple and I just wish, for one day.
Spring in Seven Hours
As I began my seven hour journey from upstate new york, the trees were plain and the air bland. Slowly over time the trees began budding and blossoming. The willows with their long yellow branches. An hour later, cherry trees began blooming. I had a Japanese song I learned while living in Hawaii going through my head.
Sakura
sakura sakura
no-yama mo sato mo
mi-watasu kagiri
kasumi ka kumo ka
asahi ni niou
sakura sakura
hana-zakari
sakura sakura
yayoi no sora wa
mi-watasu kagiri
kasumi ka kumo ka
nioi zo izuru
iza ya iza ya
mi ni yukan
Translation:
Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
On Meadow-hills and mountains
As far as you can see.
Is it a mist, or clouds?
Fragrant in the morning sun.
Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
Flowers in full bloom.
Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
Across the Spring sky,
As far as you can see.
Is it a mist, or clouds?
Fragrant in the air.
Come now, come,
Let’s look, at last!
It seemed to be a time lapsed video of spring time, pinnacled by a magnificent drive through Princeton, New Jersey. The road was lined with cherry trees blossoming with their pink and white petals. The air was thick with an aroma worthy of Aphrodities herself. Couples walking, holding hands coincided with young families walking their babies in strollers while eating ice cream. I couldn't help but let out a glorious smile for the moment. Suddenly a song forbidden to be played in my presence, Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours," came on. I smiled, cranked up the music, and continued my journey home as if nature herself was sitting on the hood of my car glazing into my eyes. Beckoning me with her index finger and blowing her perfume to arouse my consciousness.
It was truly a spectacular moment that I can only begin to describe. Happy spring everyone.
Mental note: in NJ you can't pump your own gas. Lol, like a jackass, I forgot and tried to pump my own gas. Opps :-) In Princeton, NJ. Its a beautiful area. Maybe I'll stop and take a picture of the hospital on House.
A Good Trip
Wow, two post in a night, maybe this is why I cannot sleep. I have a seven hour drive tomorrow back south to Philadelphia.
I have to say this trip to upstate New York has been relaxing. With my past put behind me, my present understood, and my future kind of mapped out, I have clarity. Its amazing how being in a simple location can allow your mind to think and contemplate. I've learned a few things while here:
The past is the past. After receiving a box of my belonging from when I was 21 I realized how much we change over the years. It was like opening up a time capsule. Numerous floppies with all my writings from college, I need to find a computer with a floppy drive so I can see whats on them. I'm curious to see if I was ever a decent writer. A girlfriend in college, the one who called me, slippers somehow ended up in the box. A paintball gun, a love note, and even pictures from high school that I forgot about.
The present is what it is. My current situation is a culmination of the past and cannot be changed. The only way to change the present is to constantly work on the future.
The future, well (sigh), is filled with nicotine patches, non-alcoholic beverages, and attending a university again. I'm still fuzzy about the future but hell, I am not psychic. So we shall see.
So at 3AM when most people my age are drunk, hooking up with random people, or having sex with their partners, I am typing. Lol. But then again, I am at my dad's house and am content. Carpe Diem.
I have to say this trip to upstate New York has been relaxing. With my past put behind me, my present understood, and my future kind of mapped out, I have clarity. Its amazing how being in a simple location can allow your mind to think and contemplate. I've learned a few things while here:
The past is the past. After receiving a box of my belonging from when I was 21 I realized how much we change over the years. It was like opening up a time capsule. Numerous floppies with all my writings from college, I need to find a computer with a floppy drive so I can see whats on them. I'm curious to see if I was ever a decent writer. A girlfriend in college, the one who called me, slippers somehow ended up in the box. A paintball gun, a love note, and even pictures from high school that I forgot about.
The present is what it is. My current situation is a culmination of the past and cannot be changed. The only way to change the present is to constantly work on the future.
The future, well (sigh), is filled with nicotine patches, non-alcoholic beverages, and attending a university again. I'm still fuzzy about the future but hell, I am not psychic. So we shall see.
So at 3AM when most people my age are drunk, hooking up with random people, or having sex with their partners, I am typing. Lol. But then again, I am at my dad's house and am content. Carpe Diem.
"You say all the wrong things at all the wrong time"
That phrase sums me up pretty well. I had an ex, my first love, call me two days ago, she must've gotten my my number from her brother I spoke with last week. After a very nice catching up conversation that lasted over an hour, I hung up and began to ponder. I was asked by her, "what do you want?" I was 21 and said what was on my mind because we were laying in bed. I said, "head." Yeah a pretty jack ass move huh? Not too long after that we were broken up, but saying things such as that probably led her to cheat with her ex bf, something that stayed with me until my next major relationship. It was only a year later that I realized she wasn't asking me something sexual; the answer was laid out before me, the answer should've been, "you." But that relationship was based off sex and the merit was low.
Its funny how I say so many wrong things at all the wrong times. You would figure I'd learn eventually and become a smooth talking, designer shirt wearing, womanizer. I am none of the above. I am always surprised if I say something smooth, so much so that I usually ruin the "Rico Suave-ness" of the very thing I said by following up with a, "wow, that was smooth, I can't believe I said that."
I am painfully honest and therefor end up self-sabotaging what little game I actually have. I am honest when I am sober, but when I drink I enter into some crazy fantasy world.
This boring introspection leads me to my next instance of big, no turning back, self-sabotage. I was broken up with my another ex, a relationship based off a pure appreciation of who the person was. From the funny face they made in the mirror while applying makeup, the "ball", the way she said "Come on" and "Step down," down to the way she would like to argue. I received a text saying, "I just want you to know I am thinking about you. I still love you." And what do I do? I explode like a psycho. I was drinking with my family and just broke down. Struggling with my decision to stay where I was at and honestly try to work things out, wore me out. At that moment I didn't need that.
I exploded. I was drunk like every other time I exploded. The drinking was the main cause of the break up because I would just get nasty. I exploded several times after that until one morning, March 15th, after exploding and saying so many mean things, pushing myself out completely of the person's thoughts, I realized something.
Drinking caused all of our problems. We were happy, and in puppy dog love (I think). Almost never fought when I was sober. After exploding 5 months after the break up I was like, "dude, this is what caused so many problems and you haven't changed a bit!"
With my clarity of sobriety, I have realized that at the moment I received the text, I should have said what I am thinking now while rational. I should've said, "I miss you and I am sorry. I still love you too." Because I did feel that way but didn't have the mental preparedness or awareness to fight the root cause, the drinking.
So as I am out of the person's thoughts completely, they probably hate me, and that text no longer applies. In my new clarity and current thoughts I can say, "I miss you. Things aren't the same without you and I from the deepest realms of my heart, sorry for hurting you and being a jealous, pompous jerk." Its way to late to say that as she probably has another boyfriend.
So as I continue dating and meeting new people, I just really hope that I can learn from my moronic answers to questions and statements. I will continue to try and practice sobriety because I just cannot stand to lose someone I deeply care about over a beverage and be mean to them when, while sober, want to treat them like the queen they are.
This week has been so relaxing, yet some random phone call made me ponder why and how I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.
Any comments out there about self-sabotage and learning life? Words of wisdom?
Its funny how I say so many wrong things at all the wrong times. You would figure I'd learn eventually and become a smooth talking, designer shirt wearing, womanizer. I am none of the above. I am always surprised if I say something smooth, so much so that I usually ruin the "Rico Suave-ness" of the very thing I said by following up with a, "wow, that was smooth, I can't believe I said that."
I am painfully honest and therefor end up self-sabotaging what little game I actually have. I am honest when I am sober, but when I drink I enter into some crazy fantasy world.
This boring introspection leads me to my next instance of big, no turning back, self-sabotage. I was broken up with my another ex, a relationship based off a pure appreciation of who the person was. From the funny face they made in the mirror while applying makeup, the "ball", the way she said "Come on" and "Step down," down to the way she would like to argue. I received a text saying, "I just want you to know I am thinking about you. I still love you." And what do I do? I explode like a psycho. I was drinking with my family and just broke down. Struggling with my decision to stay where I was at and honestly try to work things out, wore me out. At that moment I didn't need that.
I exploded. I was drunk like every other time I exploded. The drinking was the main cause of the break up because I would just get nasty. I exploded several times after that until one morning, March 15th, after exploding and saying so many mean things, pushing myself out completely of the person's thoughts, I realized something.
Drinking caused all of our problems. We were happy, and in puppy dog love (I think). Almost never fought when I was sober. After exploding 5 months after the break up I was like, "dude, this is what caused so many problems and you haven't changed a bit!"
With my clarity of sobriety, I have realized that at the moment I received the text, I should have said what I am thinking now while rational. I should've said, "I miss you and I am sorry. I still love you too." Because I did feel that way but didn't have the mental preparedness or awareness to fight the root cause, the drinking.
So as I am out of the person's thoughts completely, they probably hate me, and that text no longer applies. In my new clarity and current thoughts I can say, "I miss you. Things aren't the same without you and I from the deepest realms of my heart, sorry for hurting you and being a jealous, pompous jerk." Its way to late to say that as she probably has another boyfriend.
So as I continue dating and meeting new people, I just really hope that I can learn from my moronic answers to questions and statements. I will continue to try and practice sobriety because I just cannot stand to lose someone I deeply care about over a beverage and be mean to them when, while sober, want to treat them like the queen they are.
This week has been so relaxing, yet some random phone call made me ponder why and how I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.
Any comments out there about self-sabotage and learning life? Words of wisdom?
Todd, I Hate You and Here It Is
To all not in the loop, its a song I wrote after moving home to Philadelphia. Sorry this is so damn cheesy but it will stop Todd from trying to record me.
I hereby present to you the world premier of "Im Sorry."
P.S. - Todd I hate you and look forward to kicking ur WOP ass when I get home
Stubborn Men and Needing Cuddled
I won't speak for all men when it comes to this subject so I will generalize for them and speak for myself:
I am a very stubborn person by nature. My grandfather who spoke very little English loved me because even as a toddler I was stubborn. My mom would tell me not to do something and she would smack me. I would immediately smack her back. This process would go on and on until one of us gave up. He would laugh so hard until one day, he left for the store and returned with a big wheel. He said that I made him proud knowing the German spirit lives within one of his grandchildren.
I've always been stubborn. I love not to give in or to argue a topic even if I know I am wrong, just to see how someone lays out a case. Its a sign of intelligence to be able to argue and state fact in proof of your case. Hell, at times with my ex girlfriends, it seemed a way of foreplay to argue some stupid idea or word, i.e. is a theory absolute? I knew I was wrong early on but it was fun to see that sexiness portrayed in intelligence. In my stubborn way, it was foreplay.
So what does this have to do with cuddling you say? Well, in the shower I realized my hands were covered in blisters, likewise my arms, neck, and ears. I have a bad habit of twisting my hair when I am overdue for a haircut but hell, it keeps me from biting my fingers. Twisting my hair and biting my fingers are treated like crop rotation, letting one regenerate while I deplete the other. The last two of my bad habits I will try to conquer.
So I walked downstairs and my step-mother immediately said, "Oh my god your neck!" I brushed it off and acted as if it were no big deal. I suddenly tried to discuss my spontaneous trip into the woods but she didn't seem to care. The blisters soon began to itch more and more as I tried to brush them off. I stubbornly went to my room and changed into my field clothes, donned one of my cheesy perverted shirts that I don't care if I ruin, and started prepping my virgin rifle for her "cherry popping ceremony."
A half an hour later and a few cigarettes, I was in the back field shooting my rifle. She shot beautifully for never have been fired and sitting idle for 7 years. The itching was driving me mad but I would refuse to act like it bothered me. That's the thing about men, we can be sick, or our backs hurt until we feel like crying, but we will never admit to being defeated by it. Its our job to seem invincible, in our own minds at least, and its a woman's job to sit there and watch us in our misery until we break down as they laugh inside.
So as I was offered calamine lotion once again I gave in. I grabbed the bottle ran up stairs, got naked, and began dumping it on myself. "Ahhhhh, instant satisfaction," I thought as I was shivering from the sweet relief. After thoroughly covering myself with the lotion, luckily I was my hands when coming in from the field which spared me even more doom, I walked down stairs to the laughter of everyone. I suddenly heard my dad singing the song to my favorite childhood cartoon, "Casper the friendly ghost, the friendly ghost, the friendly ghost" as he fought with all his might not to start crying from laughter. I was white as a ghost.
At that moment I realized my stubborn behavior and how for the first time my step mom put aside our constant battles of spite, and was acting like a mom. Women have a much needed and at times annoying way of caring for us men. Whether it be a mother nagging you to do or take things or a girlfriend worried about you when u drink or if you smoke too much.
As much as I hate to admit, women are almost always right when it comes to being sick or hurt. Its natural for them to provide comfort even after we stubbornly pushed aside their suggestions. Nature has evolved them to deal with us stubborn men and force us to take the actions needed to become better, whether be through nagging or sly suggestion.
So as I bask in my new found relief, I just want to curl up in a ball and have my head rubbed. There is nothing like the comfort provided by a woman when you are sick or hurting. Having your head rubbed and in their arms after a lengthy battle of wills and wits, is the perfect way to feel better. Looking up in their arms and smiling, is the perfect way to say I am sorry and appreciate all that you do.
I think I will go lay on the couch now.
I am a very stubborn person by nature. My grandfather who spoke very little English loved me because even as a toddler I was stubborn. My mom would tell me not to do something and she would smack me. I would immediately smack her back. This process would go on and on until one of us gave up. He would laugh so hard until one day, he left for the store and returned with a big wheel. He said that I made him proud knowing the German spirit lives within one of his grandchildren.
I've always been stubborn. I love not to give in or to argue a topic even if I know I am wrong, just to see how someone lays out a case. Its a sign of intelligence to be able to argue and state fact in proof of your case. Hell, at times with my ex girlfriends, it seemed a way of foreplay to argue some stupid idea or word, i.e. is a theory absolute? I knew I was wrong early on but it was fun to see that sexiness portrayed in intelligence. In my stubborn way, it was foreplay.
So what does this have to do with cuddling you say? Well, in the shower I realized my hands were covered in blisters, likewise my arms, neck, and ears. I have a bad habit of twisting my hair when I am overdue for a haircut but hell, it keeps me from biting my fingers. Twisting my hair and biting my fingers are treated like crop rotation, letting one regenerate while I deplete the other. The last two of my bad habits I will try to conquer.
So I walked downstairs and my step-mother immediately said, "Oh my god your neck!" I brushed it off and acted as if it were no big deal. I suddenly tried to discuss my spontaneous trip into the woods but she didn't seem to care. The blisters soon began to itch more and more as I tried to brush them off. I stubbornly went to my room and changed into my field clothes, donned one of my cheesy perverted shirts that I don't care if I ruin, and started prepping my virgin rifle for her "cherry popping ceremony."
A half an hour later and a few cigarettes, I was in the back field shooting my rifle. She shot beautifully for never have been fired and sitting idle for 7 years. The itching was driving me mad but I would refuse to act like it bothered me. That's the thing about men, we can be sick, or our backs hurt until we feel like crying, but we will never admit to being defeated by it. Its our job to seem invincible, in our own minds at least, and its a woman's job to sit there and watch us in our misery until we break down as they laugh inside.
So as I was offered calamine lotion once again I gave in. I grabbed the bottle ran up stairs, got naked, and began dumping it on myself. "Ahhhhh, instant satisfaction," I thought as I was shivering from the sweet relief. After thoroughly covering myself with the lotion, luckily I was my hands when coming in from the field which spared me even more doom, I walked down stairs to the laughter of everyone. I suddenly heard my dad singing the song to my favorite childhood cartoon, "Casper the friendly ghost, the friendly ghost, the friendly ghost" as he fought with all his might not to start crying from laughter. I was white as a ghost.
At that moment I realized my stubborn behavior and how for the first time my step mom put aside our constant battles of spite, and was acting like a mom. Women have a much needed and at times annoying way of caring for us men. Whether it be a mother nagging you to do or take things or a girlfriend worried about you when u drink or if you smoke too much.
As much as I hate to admit, women are almost always right when it comes to being sick or hurt. Its natural for them to provide comfort even after we stubbornly pushed aside their suggestions. Nature has evolved them to deal with us stubborn men and force us to take the actions needed to become better, whether be through nagging or sly suggestion.
So as I bask in my new found relief, I just want to curl up in a ball and have my head rubbed. There is nothing like the comfort provided by a woman when you are sick or hurting. Having your head rubbed and in their arms after a lengthy battle of wills and wits, is the perfect way to feel better. Looking up in their arms and smiling, is the perfect way to say I am sorry and appreciate all that you do.
I think I will go lay on the couch now.
Relaxed.... Im Not Meant to be a City Boy
Front part of the property showing the Hudson River.
Middle part of the property showing the house and backyard. The back fields will be added later.
Ive never been so relaxed. I am out of the house by 10 and am not home until 6, in time to be showered and ready for supper. There's plenty of exploring to do! Plenty of man things to do, plenty of sun to be had, and frankly playing the guitar on the tail of the pick up is quite relaxing.
It reminds of what I loved about Louisiana. I used to stay on the weekends with a friend's family and loved it. I probably overstayed my welcome many of times but I loved spending time with them and feeling free. They were great company and I admire their lifestyle. I would wake up before everyone, make some coffee, and go across the street and sip the warm brew. The clarity and freedom that living in the country provides is unmatched by any city living.
Maybe one day I will move out into the country and find me a blue eyed country girl. She's gonna have to have spunk though :-)
Testing this out. Let see if I really can blog from my cell phone. And if I can, the person who made me get a qwerty is officially cool again, kinda.
Quote by Sam Keen and Wabbits
I came across a quote and I felt like sharing it with the very few of you who actually stop by and read this blog, regularly. I don't know a single one of you but keep on stopping by. Although I delete blogs often, sorry about that by the way, here it is:
"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
-- Sam Keen
I don't have a lot of experience on this issue but I find it to be true from what little I have experienced. Only been there twice and with one I thought I could've spent the rest of my life with. Now chances are I won't see nor talk to her for the rest of my life which I won't lie hurts a little.
So read the quote. Contemplate it and try to see how it truly fits in love whether it be with family members or someone you love. Im sure there are much better quotes out there but I enjoyed it.
Happy Easter
"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
-- Sam Keen
I don't have a lot of experience on this issue but I find it to be true from what little I have experienced. Only been there twice and with one I thought I could've spent the rest of my life with. Now chances are I won't see nor talk to her for the rest of my life which I won't lie hurts a little.
So read the quote. Contemplate it and try to see how it truly fits in love whether it be with family members or someone you love. Im sure there are much better quotes out there but I enjoyed it.
Happy Easter
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